| Ever so slightly a door opened Cobwebs sticking to the jamb Dust sloughing off the sides Behind the door was change It had eluded me time and time again Life- shaking change that held me tight against the door. |
| No crisis, nor grief nor yearning Could charter the path to protect the vulnerability Shorten it to comfort and ease the pain Smooth the steps and protect the vision Level the terrain to ready for the rush of fresh air I was an unwitting partner to my own undoing. |
| Slowly I began to understand A key piece of my life’s complicated, delicate web of Tangled relationships and unfinished business Relinquishing my passion and zest for life To a powerful force of placating expected norms Trying hard to be a person I was not. |
| I see now that from an early age I was performing, seeking approval Acting a role without question Adopting a persona eyes wide shut Disconnected from my spirit within I was a good girl, a good enough mother and wife. |
| I have a picture of me at about the age of six I am standing in front of a car With my older brother and a friend My long curly hair was disheveled My hands on my hips in a jaunty, impish pose Where did this little sprite go? |
| Many years later I suddenly became undone My glued dried up, my legs and arms weakened Disillusionment and enlightenment together Struck me like lightening on a summer’s eve My eyes burned at the dawning, like a baby crying And grasping the air without her toys. |
| I was afraid of the unknown Afraid of what I did not know It was like the death of a family friend It was intimidating and formidable Yet somehow I knew deep in my heart That I was finally being set free like a newly hatched bird. |
| Now long after the burning and yearning I’ve become whole, perfect in my imperfection I no longer carry the staff of a lonely shepherd The carapace of child-ness is gone I just simply am, a being not unlike others I have stores of love, passion and laughter now. |
| With humility I understand I have a responsibility To open the gifts God so generously gave me This awareness started in San Francisco in a small bakery The air was full of baking bread, hanging plants and sunlight I was immersed in knowing what pleases me most Camaraderie, goodness, music, sun, sweet smells. |
| This memory was a springboard An epiphany, a moment of clarity About what I need to be me. Why did it take so long, I ask Had that impish six year old Finally grown up? |
| Plagued by chronic illnesses I struggle to fight the good fight Who am I, I ask There is no stage anymore My daily life is stripped down to bare wood Sometimes even formless clay Yet, with limited resources I say yes to every day. |
| Some days go better than others I slip and fall, shake my fists At a deity I don’t always understand But most days are not like that Most days I think about joy, hummingbirds, flowers My dear husband and many caring friends and family. |
| I trust that little girl to my billowing sails I am blessed with so much love and caring I have a few regrets Stored quietly in my soul There is only today To love and be loved. |
| SWM |
| August, 2009 |